Battle of the Sexes
Jokes about men and women...
If you have a complaint e-mail our webmaster...
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.
ASS STUDY
There is a new study out about women and the results are pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass is too big.......
10% of women think their ass is too little......
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway
The Male Brain...
What men really think !
Guide To The Male Vocabulary
Statement: "Haven't I seen you before?"
True Meaning: "Nice ass."
Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."
Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."
Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."
Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my
head."
Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over
the head might be necessary."
Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting
to look good."
Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."
Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find
out."
Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to
find out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's
on their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs
than see you again."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
The Why's of Men??
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)
6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)
7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
( because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
(it is sex with someone they love)
9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know...... it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
The First Affair
There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teen-age daughters. The couple decided to try
one last time for the son they always wanted. After
months of trying, the wife became pregnant
and, sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine
months later.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took
one look and was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever
seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that
he could be the father of the child. "Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered," he cried.
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
around on me?" The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz, he made an amazing
discovery
Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever
seen! "I'm sorry, Mr Schwartz," said the mortician, "but
I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge
private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And
with that the coroner used his scalpel to remove the dead man's
privates.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took
it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have s something to
show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!"
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him
with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
bought one for their bedroom. I
liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when
they went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went
to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a
glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an
idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much
as a glass of water."
The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and
asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That'll
be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the customer. The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have
a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried
egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that
comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," the bartender replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down
her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and
his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was
insistent.
"Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must
confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right. Go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in
peace, Becky.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and
your mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."
Why women need men... (short video)
Embarassing dating experiences (short video)
Beauty is skin deep...
QUIZ...
Let me know what your answers were, SERIOUSLY
This is a genuine psychological test.
It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother,
she met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing,
so much her dream guy she believed him to be just that.
She fell in love with him there but never asked for his number and then...
A few days later the girl killed her own sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
Give this some thought for a while before you scroll down.
*Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test by a psychologist used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in
this test and answered it correctly.
If you didn't answer correctly - good for you.
If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your distance.
(If you quickly got the answer correct, please let me know so
I can take you are off my email list...)
To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top
of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little colour for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburned on his 'tool'. Being very determined, the young man decided not to miss his date because it was a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation. The blonde showed up for the date at this apartment and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie however, the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain, so he went to the kitchen and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his "Love Muscle" immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding, the blonde exclaimed, "So, THAT'S how you load those things!"
While out riding one day a cowboy met an Indian riding
along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.
Cowboy: "Hey, fine dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: Look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Dog:: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Hold her, Surprise her,
Compliment her, Smile at her, Laugh with her, Cry with her,
Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand, Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer.
5 Secrets to a Great Relationship
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is very important that these four men never meet.
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well
developed and open to trade especially for someone
with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently
aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the
war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction
is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and
borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps
people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a
glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone
knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a
dick.
FOUL LANGUAGE IN THE OFFICE Adult only!
DEAR EMPLOYEES:
It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during
the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do
however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided
so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive
employees.
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way
TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?
TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work
TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.
TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Subject: The Danger of Changing Jobs
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb,
and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments, everything was silent in the cab.
Then the driver said, "Please don't ever do that again. You scared the daylight out of me.
"The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a
tap on the shoulder would frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm very sorry.
It's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving
a hearse for the last 25 years.
Weather Forecast
It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an
Indian Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old
secrets, so when he looked
At the sky he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back
to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be
prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it
going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going
to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest
winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
